28th July 2014 - Public Accounts Committee to be held to Account; Obama reveals tax-dodging is 'wrong'

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Kerins takes legal action against PAC

Fresh from the Scarface-style John Deasy outburst last week, the PAC was again in the news this week. Angela Kerins, former CEO of the Rehab group initiated legal proceedings against the Public Accounts Committee, claiming that her 7-hour game of dodge-ball in front of the committee has done ‘extraordinary damage’ to her career, caused a ‘collapse in her health’ and lost her her job. Kerins had been summoned to appear before the PAC after they had realised Kerins’ salary as CEO of Rehab, and collectively exclaimed “How fucking much?”.

Rehab, as a so-called Section 39 organisation, is partly funded by taxpayers’ money, but is not subject to the salary caps of public servants - about €185,000 - instead opting for the higher cap of ‘Whatever the bloody hell we feel like paying ourselves, so mind yissers own business’. Kerins’ legal team has argued that bragging to the committee about how much money she earns and what car she drives “stressed her out no end”, and she spent nine days in hospital as a direct result. During the proceedings, TD Mary Lou McDonald (SF) astutely made the observation that  Kerins ‘earns more than the president of the United States of America’. McDonald is thought to be working on a full length report to be published later this year, entitled ‘People Who Earn Less Than Angela Kerins’, featuring illustrations by Gerry Adams.

MacGill Summer School

Having bolted out the gates of Leinster House last week singing ‘Schools Out For Summer’ and looping their ties over the Kildare Street railings, many of the politicians were this week sent to MacGill Summer School in Donegal, the Oireachtas’ equivalent of the Gaeltacht, to learn how to be better at politics.

Speaking at the Summer School, another former Rehab CEO, former Fine Gael strategist and former little-bit-of-this-little-bit-of-that man Frank Flannery lambasted his former colleagues in Fine Gael, saying their efforts in the recent local and European elections had been “very, very weak”. He insisted that this wasn't just being a bit bitchy, and that his comments had nothing to do with the fact that he wasn't asked for his expertise during the elections, or that he is also in the firing line of the PAC. Fine Gael lost 100 seats in the local elections. Not one for kicking them when they’re on the ground, Flannery added “I’ll tell you, that took some ingenuity”.

Elsewhere at the summer school, it was unanimously agreed that reform was needed. Nobody really specified as to what type of reform, but that undoubtedly things must change. Shouting, fist banging and pointing-at-nobody-in-particular ensued, before a rapturous round of applause was heard.

Daly and Wallace try to inspect plane in Shannon.

While some TDs were brushing up in a conference entitled ‘How to Satisfy Everyone and Be Accountable to No-one’, serial mitchers Clare Daly (SP) and Mick Wallace (Ind) were down in Shannon, attempting to inspect the cargo of a US military plane for weapons. The pair, wearing high-vis jackets, hopped the fence and were making their way through some overgrowth when they were arrested and informed by gardai that ‘this is not Electric Picnic’.

Irish Nationwide Loan Loses the State €20 million

It came to light this week that Irish Nationwide, under the conservative stewardship of Managing Director Michael Fingleton, cost the state €20 million as a result of a speculative loan given to fund the development of a ski resort high in the French Alps. The loan was not subjected to the normal risk analysis or valuation that the bank would have done for any two-bed semi in suburbia, but that didn't stop Fingleton granting the loan, then back-dating the application forms, and then finally having the loan approved by the board more than a month later when they were hardly in a position to say no. Not that they would have, but might have raised eyebrows, given that the bank were funding a development in the French Alps, that it was called ‘Ice Mountain’, that the developer was a Monaco-based millionaire, and that the question on the loan application ‘Are you, or have you ever been, a James Bond villain?’ had been left suspiciously unanswered.

WORLD NEWS

Obama Criticizes American Companies’ Investment in Ireland

Ireland came in for more international heat than Israel this week, as US President Barack Obama criticized the practise of US companies acquiring Irish companies, and then declaring themselves Irish, in order to avail of our red-light district corporate tax rate. 

This practice of ‘inversion’ is thought to take hundreds of billions from the US Treasury yearly, giving most of it back to the investors, and propping up the Irish economy with the rest.

While Obama had no problem in claiming himself to be Irish last year, he said the practice of inversion by companies was ‘unpatriotic’ and ‘wrong’, which is likely to cause investors in such companies to choke on their champagne as they sit in their bathtubs of hundred dollar bills, before continuing about their day. The comments are thought to be the start of a course of action by the US government to prevent these inversions, and may likely cause a issues for Ireland in the near future. Many of the companies currently employing in Ireland, particularly large multinational tech companies, are presumed to be based in Dublin because of the revenue saved in tax bills, and not, as has been speculated, ‘because we’re such fantastic bloody craic’. 

Obama’s inability to get anything past the Republican-dominated congress is unlikely to result in US tax reform any time this millennium, but any international action on global taxation could remove the incentive for companies to base themselves in Ireland, and result in a mass tech-exodus from Dublin. This would surely spell disaster for Taoiseach Enda Kenny’s campaign touting Ireland as ‘The Best Small Country In The World To Do Business’. A government think tank is already working on back-up ways to market the country, of which the leading options are currently ‘The Best Small Country In The World To Launch A Country Western Comeback’ and ‘The Best Small Country In The World To Overly-Inflate A Single Element Of The Economy, And Then Act Surprised When The Bubble Bursts’.

SPORT

FAI holds AGM

The FAI held its AGM this weekend at the Radisson Blu hotel in Athlone. A friendly with USA in November was announced, but unfortunately Chief Executive John Delaney didn’t answer any questions submitted by the media in relation to the debt write-down secured on the mortgage for the Aviva stadium, in relation to the massive price-cuts to 10-year seats at the stadium and how the funding would be recouped, or about about his own €1.8 million 5-year wage deal. Delaney did however confirm that an agreement had been reached with the Radisson Blu, and that there would be an extension on the bar.

Premier League

The revolving door of the transfer window whirls on as English football teams continued with their pre-season friendlies, many of them in the US. Manchester United beat LA Galaxy 7-0, while Manchester City beat AC Milan 5-1 in Pittsburgh. New Southampton manager Ronald Koeman, on the other hand, was forced to cancel a 5-a-side in training on Friday, having come to the realisation that the club had sold all of its players.

21st July 2014 - One Liners in Parliament

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Ireland recovered from the devastation that was Garthgate this week by distracting itself with some of the most ridiculous discussions ever to take place in the Oireachtas. In the week that the politicians went on their respective jolliers, they were determined to leave the public something by which to remember them, apart from attempting to introduce emergency legislation so that nearly half a million people could see a fat man in a stetson singing.

The Seanad reaffirmed the electorate’s decision to keep the upper house in last year’s referendum by discussing the theft of children’s lollipops by avian burglars. “Dublin seagulls have lost the run of themselves” proclaimed legislator and genuine grown-up human being Ned O’Sullivan. “They must be stopped” he said, calling on the government to take action, before clarifying his position on other birds: “I have nothing against pigeons. I can take or leave pigeons. But I am very much against seagulls”. O’Sullivan’s position on the Middle East has yet to be established. These comments come only weeks after calls were made in the Seanad to introduce legislation for the regulation of ice cream vans. “It’s not that I’m anti-ice cream” Senator Catherine Noone said, backpeddling. Sen. Noone is believed to favour Loop the Loops over 99s, but has yet to publicly declare her stance on the issue.

Meanwhile over at the Public Accounts Committee, during a discussion about the independence of the legal advisor, rockstar-slash-TD John Deasy (FG) had a serious dose of clarity, as he came to the very sudden and very loud epiphany that his colleagues on the committee are in fact thoroughly qualified to carry out their roles as politicians. “Bullshit” he exclaimed, addressing TD Shane Ross (Ind), “You are a bullshitter”. TD Mary Lou McDonald (SF) was next to feel the wrath of Deasy: “You’re a bullshitter too”, he informed her when she attempted to interrupt his eloquent oration. When asked if he would like to withdraw his comments, Deasy responded “Like hell I will”, and ran his fingers cooly through his hair. He then left the committee room, but not before telling the other committee members to ‘Have a nice summer’. A man was seen leaving Leinster House on a Harley Davidson a short time later, wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket.

In a week that brought with it classic one-liners, Ireland said goodbye to a man with his fair share. The terms ‘Okey-doke’, ‘We’ll leave it there so’ and ‘All right now Eamon, calm down, that’s enough, put it away’ will always hold a special place in Irish people’s hearts thanks to broadcaster Bill O’Herlihy, who retired after the World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. Modest in his final broadcast, montages of Bill’s finer moments were shown, prompting the renewed support of the remaining trio of panelists - Eamon Dunphy, John Giles and Liam Brady - from the Irish public. “Ah sure they’re grand lads” commented one punter in Dublin, answering the question he himself will ask his disinterested wife in six months time: “How the in the name of jaysis are these eejits still working for RTE?”

WORLD NEWS

MIDDLE EAST

This week saw the Israeli Defence Forces continue with their calm and measured response to indiscriminate rocket fire from militant members of Hamas into southern Israel, by bombing the absolute shit out of Gaza, and following it up with a ground invasion. At the time of writing, over three hundred Palestinians had been killed, but it is unclear how many of these were militants. It may have been possible to identify Hamas militants, but unfortunately nobody knows what they look like, as they spend most of the time hiding behind civilians.

The Israeli Defence Forces issued statements that they were doing ‘everything within their power’ to protect the civilians of Gaza, noting that Hamas was not taking these measures to protect Israelis. Such measures have included phonecalls and ‘knock-on-the-door’ missiles, designed to explode in residential areas to warn civilians that the area will be heavily shelled in the coming minutes. The use of the latter device, to protect the civilians of Gaza, involves warning them that their house is going to be bombed, by bombing their house.

UKRAINE

Yet another air tragedy struck Malaysian Airlines, when flight MH17 from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur was downed as it crossed Ukraine airspace, killing all 298 people on board. The flight is believed to have been struck by a surface-to-air missile, prompting a rapid game of pass-the-blame between Russia, Ukraine and separatists in the east of Ukraine, who have control of the area where the wreckage landed, and had earlier in the week shot down Ukrainian military jets in the area. Efforts to retrieve the black box flight recorders were supported by the separatists. While initially stating they ‘hadn’t seen them anywhere themselves’, this was followed days later with ‘oh, thooooose black boxes’, and the recorders were handed over to a Malaysian officials.

The incident sparked off yet another game of proxy-tut-tutting between Russia and the West, with the US and UK condemning Russia for arming pro-Russia militia in eastern Ukraine. Both, however, stared awkwardly at the ground and muttered something inaudible when asked where the weapons killing civilians in Gaza had come from.

SPORT

The weekend saw two young titans of Irish sport show their dominance in their respective disciplines.

On Saturday, mixed martial artist Conor McGregor beat Brazilian Diego Brandao in their UFC showdown in the O2 in Dublin. The fight, which sold out in under half an hour, with tickets priced as much as €175, was won by a technical knock-out in the fourth minute. In typically understated fashion, McGregor had told fans at the weigh-in that he was ‘going to tear Brandao’s head off’, which he failed to follow through on. Following the fight, McGregor stated his desire to fight in front of larger Irish audiences, and mooted stadium fights a possibility, coughing while somebody somewhere said something like ‘subjectolicense’.

And finally, Rory McIlroy captured his third career major, winning the Open Championship at Hoylake. McIlroy dedicated the win to his mother, Rosie. The dedication is sure to mean a lot to his mother, while his father had to be content with the £100,000 he won on a bet placed on his son in 2004, putting paid to the age-old question of whether it is better to bear your children, or bet on them.